Category Archives: Humor

Just Out For a Jog…

My exercise regimen includes running through my neighborhood. Being outside for a workout adds to its relative enjoyment. Hey, it is still an unwelcome exertion. On one of my recent weekly runs, I was on a very affluent street with waterfront properties. About 50 yards ahead of me I saw a man…sprinting. He was not attired to jog. Hmmm. Dressed in long pants and a dark hoodie, the man crossed the road and cut the corner through the opposite house’s yard. Definitely not normal. A burglar? The residence from which he fled belongs to a noted local restauranteur. As I approached, I saw the home’s garage doors wide open with … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Misc., Off Duty, Tactics | 4 Comments

Not One of Ours

Really, dude?  The bike and cable lock can be lifted straight up over the sign.  Don’t know how I know that. Randall

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May the Fourth be with you!

It’s COPS in a galaxy far, far away.  Just watch it.  You’ll recognize some things.  Happy Star Wars Day! Randall

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Gainesville Officer Shoots…Hoops

Well, they did lower the rim for the dunk. Randall

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Stop Being a Jackass

C’mon, keep it down back there!  Norman, Okla. Ofc. Kyle Canaan gives a Marchman ride to a wayward donkey.  Like many of our customers, he pooped in the car.  The ass was reunited with his chiropractor.  Seriously. Randall  

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When Less Is Definitely Not More

I borrowed a fellow sergeant’s marked Tahoe for the execution of a search warrant last week.  As I was checking out the rig, I saw these impromptu labels on his gun rack.  Guess I can’t argue with that. Randall  

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News Misinterprets Suspect, Streetwise Readers Split Sides

I almost tumbled off my sectional when I read this journalistic misfire on a television station’s news website.  Apparently, something has gone horribly wrong in the Mainstream Media. Cooper then ran from the scene to a nearby church, where the pastor found him hiding in a bathroom, deputies said. Cooper was taken into custody without further incident. Deputies said Cooper, who smelled of alcohol and marijuana, asked who was chasing him and said “you slow as [expletive].” Cooper then said he wasn’t driving the car, according to the report. “My dog was driving that car,” he reportedly said. “I ran ‘cause I wanted to. You ain’t gonna find no drugs … Continue reading

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Some Things I know from Street Patrol

Some things I know from street patrol: I’ve learned at least three ways to disable a GILLIG transit bus. 1203 on a tanker placard means gasoline–much danger. Blue street reflectors indicate fire hydrants.  Don’t park near them at a structure fire. When running lights and siren, use the inside or outside lanes at intersections for easier maneuvering. If you are directing traffic, stand in the debris field in the center of the intersection.  It’s safer. Your patrol car is like Wonder Woman’s invisible jet–everyone can see what happens inside. Head wounds bleed profusely and are not necessarily life threatening…but bleeding from the ears is

Posted in Humor, Street | 2 Comments

Cops to Assist Drug Dealers–For Free!

McIntosh County, GA Sheriff Stephen Jessup is offering his department’s services to help drug dealers remove their rivals.  Why should a dope peddler risk those pesky, inconvenient shootouts to solidify their market share?  Hire the cops to take out your trash! MCSO hasn’t had any bites, yet, but I’m sure some of the more thoughtful dealers out there will give this generous offer serious consideration. Randall P.S.  For added fun, let the kids play this like a Mad Lib by inserting wacky words.  “My drug dealing competition is (noun) _a giraffe! _  

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Police Excitement Has Its Price

Yesterday, I had a nice young man over to the house to fix my range.  He has a start-up appliance business that he is working very hard to grow.  While he was installing some new potentiometers and circuit boards, we made casual conversation.  He knows what I do for a living and at one point he said, “Sometimes I wish I had done something exciting with my life–like you did.”  I wasn’t quite sure what to say. Jamie, as I’ll call him, is newly and happily married.  He has a baby girl at home.  For all his elbow grease, Jamie has finally purchased a commercial van with logos and a … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Misc., Off Duty | 2 Comments

Coolest Vehicle at SWAT Round-Up 2014

As I was leaving the range at SWAT Round-Up International today, I saw this fully functional vintage operator delivery vehicle, a 1969 Dodge Barracuda.  It wore its original tactical OD green and black colors.  In its day, the convertible top allowed for high speed deployment of the “Special Weapons And Tactics” officers as the ‘Cuda roared up to the scene in a cloud of acrid, vision-obscuring tire smoke. At a venue where today’s armored vehicles are coated in metric tons of plate steel, yards of ballistic glass, and gallons of flat black paint, this vehicle stood out as an old school witness to how The Fuzz used to show up … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, SWAT, Technology | Tagged | 1 Comment

Where’s Waldo–PD?

Waldo, FL has been a speedtrap for the fifty-odd years I’ve been knocking around the Sunshine State.  Its main drags, U.S. 301 and State Road 24, have six different speed limits within the 2.15 square land miles of the city.  The Waldo Police Department  wrote over 12,000 tickets last year, which translated to about a third of the city’s revenue.  Surprised the police were replaced with the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office this week?  Well, I kinda am. This terrifying little town has uncaringly hammered travelers for decades.  Nothing changed.  AAA had officially rated Waldo as speedtrap for years.  They didn’t care.  The Media had been at the Gates regularly.  Ho … Continue reading

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Introducing the iStab

Oh, boy. “The iStab is a 3D printed iPhone cover which has a folding knife along one edge, producing a blade whenever you might need one. This phone case is “cutting edge”, and is designed as an exploration in conceptual 3D printed weapons.” The models I based this idea from are free, and the programs needed edit the 3D files are also free: Netfabb and MeshMixer.” “The iStab is a great way to keep a cutting implement on hand at all times. This can be used as a weapon for self-defense for the next time you’re in a knife-fight like Michael Jackson in Beat It, or harmlessly used for everyday … Continue reading

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Absurd Police Foot Pursuits

Lowa Boots, LLC, the German footwear maker, has a new line of tactical boots for the service professional.  The promotional video is a dramatized police foot pursuit.  I do not remember using parkour in any chase I was ever in. I do remember being in an absurd foot pursuit when I was a rookie on Midnight Shift.  It was like the chase scene from the movie Raising Arizona with dogs and houses and slo-mo’s of weird things passing by in the periphery.  We interrupted a residential burglar and he took off between the houses. Young and spry, I accelerated into the darkness to catch him.  It was not the nicest … Continue reading

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Tactical Tailor Nylon MOLLE Archery Quiver

Back on 4/1/2013, ITS Tactical posted a new archery product from Zulu Nylon Gear called The MOLLE Quiver.  H.S.,L.D. for traditional weaponry.  When you clicked on the link–waaa, waaaa–it was an April Fools joke.  But after readers showed much interest in buying the actual quiver, Zulu started a FaceBook page for the product.  It has yet to be released. Having been a recurve bow archer for the last thirty years (on and off), I decided to get an inexpensive nylon MOLLE quiver of my own.  After surfing around and finding nothing to my liking, I settled on using a basic Tactical Tailor modular hydration pack.  I had written a review … Continue reading

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